Establishing a long and stable adult relationship is not an easy task. Often, dysfunctional relationships may be the product of earlier life experiences. Emotion A common life-trap, or behavourial pattern, is derived from emotional deprivation that is likely to originate from early adverse childhood experiences. The impact of emotional deprivation in adulthood is manifested in self-defeating behaviours. For example, inadequate or inappropriate coping strategies: avoidance behaviour, surrender, self-sacrifice, overcompensation, and/or possibly substance abuse.

When a child’s formative growth years are characterised by an absence of affection, empathy, or guidance, a child can grow up with unfounded core beliefs. These unfounded core beliefs may negatively impact his/her ability to connect with other people or form stable relationships. The results are increased levels of loneliness and the  constant thought that one is not good enough, understood, or loved.

Early indications that a relationship may be in trouble are feelings that your partner does not listen, you do all the talking, your partner is only sporadically available, is often cold and aloof, is not there for you in moments of vulnerability and distress, and does not give as much emotionally.

Luckily not all children with an adverse childhood experience will have emotional difficulties later in life. Research indicates that one in three will grow up to lead productive careers and have warm and loving relationships. There may be several reasons for this but two important aspects are a child’s’ temperament and the degree of resilience that a child may develop.

Our aim is to improve relationships by increasing emotional awareness, altering destructive behaviour patterns and by setting emotional goals and objectives.

Reference

Young, J.S., & Klosko, J. (2019). Reinventing Your Life. Scribe Publications Pty Ltd. Kindle Edition.

Do you believe that you are continuously giving into your significant other to maintain the status quo of your relationship? You may be subconsciously repeating and acting-out behaviour patterns you learned during childhood, which in adulthood can become what is known as a life-trap. 

For example, you may be paying too much attention to the needs of others at the expense of your own feelings. Or you may let various people in your life have their own way most of the time as you are too eager to please. 

There are two types of submissive behaviour you may have experienced: self-sacrifice and subjugation. Self-sacrifice is a life-trap, and is often sustained by emotional feelings of guilt. On the other hand, subjugation, also a life-trap, is based on fear – fear of expressing your needs, fear of punishment, fear of abandonment, and fear of change.

Trapped in either of the above situations may result in feelings of resentment and passive anger that are likely to explode one day. Anger can, however, be good for a relationship as it signals that something is wrong and changes need to be made. Anger may be displayed in several ways: angry outbursts, feeling physically out of tune, withdrawal of affection, distancing behaviour, or substance abuse. 

Children and teenagers raised in a subjugated environment may indicate something is wrong by becoming disobedient, unruly, or by throwing frequent temper tantrums. At school, such a pupil may have concentration problems and be very disruptive during class.

Learning to become aware of why you are angry and why you experience certain emotions can help assist you in personal mental growth, facilitate change and open the door to the possibility of something new and better.

Reference

Young, J.S., & Klosko, J. (2019). Reinventing Your Life. Scribe Publications Pty Ltd. Kindle Edition.